How to speed your way through the checkpoint

I get a lot of questions of what poeple should do to expedite their way through security. I decided to create a Do's and Dont's list to make your life easier.

* DON'T tell a screener that you are about to miss your flight (it won't win you any sympathy and could even arouse suspicion). As I said your lack of planning will not cause an emergency on my behalf.

* DON'T wear clothing with metallic objects such as moon size buckles.
* Don’t go to your wardrobe and wear a mine of jewelry and then complain. Please don’t tell me, “I never set off the alarm”; IT IS YOU, Believe me!

* DON'T wear lots of jewelry or hairpins that can't be easily removed. If you have bangles, they got there and they can come off. So, don’t tell me, they are stuck. That means, that I have to wand you and as you imagine I don’t like to touch strangers. You contributions to my salary are greatly appreciated, but you are a stranger.

* DON'T say you “I forgot I have liquids in my bag”. That’s yesterday news. It has been more than a year and still, you see gallons of orange juice, shampoos, oils, etc, all over the checkpoint. Even if you travel once in your lifetime, somebody in your family watches the news or travels and always comments about the airport security.

* DON'T try to jam everything into one bin in a misguided effort to be helpful; it's much harder to screen. If you push all your stuff in a bin, I wont see anything, I will have to re-run it and you will get upset. Use common sense, stack everything comfortably and you will be happy and I will be delighted.

* DON'T accuse screeners of theft: Once you're certain an item is missing, speak to a supervisor. If you accuse me of stealing your eyeglasses, which by the way, are on your face, I will be pissed. There are cameras EVERYWHERE; I don’t need your stuff. I won’t lose my job because of your eyeglasses or your quarters. Double check with your significant others, in most cases they have your belongings and they just want to accuse you in front of everybody that you forget everything.

* DON'T tell screeners, it only comes in this or it's almost empty; when asked to surrender containers of liquid larger than three ounces. It is not about how much you have it is about the capacity of the container. The rule is the rule, just follow the rule and don’t complain. Don't tell me how much you spent on toiletries; it won't make any difference if they're the wrong size. I really don’t care how much you paid. You could have checked it; you can still check it, mail it or give to somebody. If those options are not suitable for you, don’t blame me, it was your mistake.

* DON'T block traffic by repacking your belongings on the conveyor belt. Please move to the end of the belt. Outside we have millions of passengers like you, complaining about the waiting time. Don’t do to others what you don’t like.

* DO wear easily removable shoes. Please leave your strappy sandals, boots, or anything like that at home. Flip Flops or tennis shoe are great. If you wear boots and a mini skirt, make sure you have panties; I am really tired of seeing your internal organs.

* DO take the plastic bag holding liquids out of your carry-on before putting it through the X-ray machine. If you don’t want me to check your bag, it will be a great idea.

* DO lay your bag on its side. The upright position is much harder to see and may trigger a re-run. If your bag is full of crap, please lay it flat on the belt. If it's closed, don’t use a bin and remember all electronics have to come off. You don’t want to wait, and we don’t want to hear your screams.

* DO put items through the X-ray machine only when you are ready to walk through the metal detector. This minimizes the time you're separated from your belongings. I'm tired of “MY BAG, MY BAG”. Also make sure you send all your belongings, X-Rays don’t eat your stuff, if you leave them upfront, they won’t walk, you have to send them.

* DON’T travel naked. If you see how many skin diseases walk through the checkpoint everyday, you will never wear your Daisy Dukes. Besides that, we don’t want people with attention disorders deficits at the checkpoint, they create disruptions and the waiting time increaset.

* DO make sure that you have all items before you leave the checkpoint. Please, we don’t need one shoe, dirty sweaters, car keys, and letters from your gay lover, KY Jelly, your underwear, or your kids. Please make sure you pick up everything. Everything also includes your mother in her wheelchair.

DO USE YOUR COMMON SENSE. DON’T LEAVE YOUR BRAIN AT HOME. PLEASE TAKE A SHOWER. AND PLEASE... TAKE A SHOWER.

SEX ON CREDIT

Unfortunetly the oldest career in the universe is suffering due to our difficult economic situation. A prostitute is define as the exposing or otherwise offering oneself or someone else with the purpose of tempting potential customers to exchange money or goods for the promise of cooperativeness in sexual intercourse from the exposed person. (Thanks, Wikipedia. LOL). But what happened when the potential customer doesn’t has a penny? Well, you just rely on credit. That’s what some people think. A couple of days ago, this lady landed in our airport. She had a connecting flight, a connecting that was never connected because she never took it. She was too busy offering her services. You might think, this so uncommon, so nasty, so sick, so insane. Unfortunately for us, is pretty common. We have seen it in numerous occasions. What makes this case special? The exchange of money didn’t have to occur right away. You could pay whenever you get paid! What a deal, right? Plain and simple, the lady was offering sex, but you didn’t have to pay right away. She can give you the service and whenever the greens roll into your account, call her and set up an appointment and bring the money. Cool! That’s like having a hair cut with your visa. Needless to say she was reported, needless to say the cops came, needless to say, she offered the cop her services and of course he didn’t has to pay immediately, she could wait until pay day.

The attack of the giant mammary gland

It seems to me that some women with huge breast have problems understanding why they need support. Everything that is big needs support. It has to be with the law of gravity. It is a fact, big breasts need support. A brassiere is an article of clothing that covers, supports, and elevates the breasts. The bra is considered a foundation garment, as well as an undergarment, because of its role in shaping the wearer's figure. It was originally developed in the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries to replace the corset, and has now become, in many parts of the world, the most popular form of undergarment for the upper body.

A pair of breasts can weigh several pounds. For instance a pair D cup breasts may weigh between 15 to23 pounds. If you have around 20 pounds hanging in your front with no support, is like having car with no shock absorbers. When breast are that big unless you have surgery, they tend to be saggy. Those women with perfectly rounded breasts have implants, natural huge breast tend to sag. I don't want to see your flesh hanging around the checkpoint. Moreover, when you see nipples belonging to a 48 FFFF touching a belt buckle, is really annoying. At least if you are going to fly have the decency of wearing a bra.

Just imagine this situation: Me, with my barely 5'2 and 123 pounds and a merely 34A, standing at the metal detector telling you to divest because you keep alarming. Then on the otherside of the metal detector, YOU, with your 6'0 and 300 pounds and 48 FFFF with no bra coming toward me. It is so scary, one time I was afraid that the big boob was going to kill me; the boob was spinning around like a carousel. I swear I thought the big boob was going to chop off my head, like in the movie 300. You will expect that they a least would wear T-shirts or turtlenecks, long sleeve or something, NO! They wear tank tops, and then there is, flesh everywhere. It is gross! Cover yourself, don't expose your body like that at the airport, it is an airport not a butchershop!!! PLEASE, use common sense!

All that glitter is not gold, the struggle of the wrong t-shirt

The origin of the T-Shirt is obscure, claims reach at least from California to Great Britain and from 1913 to 1948, and it was most likely a slow development during that time. Most researches mention the possibility that the idea of the T-shirt came to the United States during World War I, when US soldiers noticed the light cotton undershirts European soldiers were using while the US soldiers sweated in their wool uniforms. Since they were so much more comfortable they quickly became popular among the Americans, and because of their design they got the name T-shirt. T-shirts were originally worn as undershirts. This still occurs, but T-shirts are now also frequently worn as the only piece of clothing.

T-shirts have also become a medium for self-expression and advertising, with any imaginable combination of words, art and even photographs on display. The early 2000s saw the renewed popularity of T-shirts with slogans and designs with a strong inclination to the humorous or ironic. The trend has only increased later in this decade; embraced by celebrities, such as Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. I don’t expect you to be either one of those celebrities but I will expect some kind of self respect and dignity on your part, when is about the messages of your t-shirt.

A few examples of what I have seen lately, and I am not joking!

* I am a bitch and you have 60 years old and look like you don't kill an ant? Please!!!

* What about this? “All that glitter is not gold”, of course not! Grease glitter, especially when you have it in your face, like you don’t wash it for months. If you have been neglecting your appearance for a century, don't wear a T-shirt with the previous message, please! You are insulting the designer intentions. You will be better off with one like this; “Like I really care”, which tell the entire world that you don’t give a damn if you look like a sloppy hillbilly.

* What about this one, "Sexy Mama", cool right? Only one problem, it doesn't look good on a 10 year old. Parents should be sent to counseling.

* What about this one, “I am so happy, I could just shit”; interesting, right? I know some people get really happy when they clean their intestines, but the one who has the audacity to wear that T-shirt had more matter in his colon than Elvis Presley, and a face with such an attitude, like he didn't use the bathroom for decades.

As always, somebody has to overcome everybody else, and it was a blond woman, she was wearing this shirt, “Who needs boys, when I have toys”; but she was the mother of seven and seven that didn’t look alike. I didn't get it, as far I know toys cant spermatizide anybody.

I have to admit I love messages T-shirts, I have to wear my uniform, but if I could wear a T-shirt to work, it will say something like this: Stupid PeoplePiss ME OFF; or DO I look like a fucking people person? Sorry, I have to be honest!